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little things make a whole.

February 28, 2011

so i have a whole thing about what an imp defect is and all that mess but instead, tonight i’m just gunna write.

I think i most likely have had H pylori for the last 7 years. Its weird to think that something like 80% of the world’s population has this bacteria and lives with it for their whole lives. Not to mention all the other shit. like aids. But lets just stick with H pylori right now. If 80% of the world’s population are at LEAST in moderate pain everyday, and the pain makes them unable to nourish themselves even if they are given the opportunity….Maybe it’s gunna be harder and take a little more time for them to evolve their surroundings.

and maybe 80% of the population unable to contribute fully to the evolution of their surroundings is slightly too high when we are in need of reform to get us out of our GLOBAL economic crisis.

and if you think thats a stretch because im taking a small scale individual struggle and saying it contributes to such a huge thing like a whole country’s stability…

Look whats happening in the middle east right now. It is amazing. Not just for what it means for them, but what its reminding the world. Progress is influenced by the basic wants and needs of people not only their advancements in technology. Societies don’t only evolve when discoveries are made about production. Sometimes progress comes merely from impassioned ideas of what is right and wrong. When may not be fighting dictators but we still need impassioned ideas. For example: health care is a more important then giving tax cuts to the rich.

its kinda like pointillism mixed with lessons from elementary school.

wait for it.

if one of the dots in a pointillism painting decides to turn black or white or ignore its role in the picture as a whole maybe you won’t notice it consciously but the fact is the image you are looking at has changed even if its just a tiny dot. And if one dot says fuck it, other dots are gunna fuck off too. and then even if 10% of them ignore their role in the picture as a whole the picture will be effected.

my metaphors tend to get a little weird.

point is… point… point is while i am someone who tends to over use the phrase nothing matters. In fact Everything matters. Every small detail of every single citizen affects the society in which they live, even if its to a small degree. But if you have 80% of a population running at 20% of their potential because they are sick it works out to the entire population running at something like 27%. Thats a lot of wasted potential. Even if we say that the 20% are the real big hitters its stupid to think a group of people working at 27% of what they could doesn’t contribute to that groups instability, unhappiness, and inevitable sluggish progress.

maybe my math is a little screwy but you get the concept. And i think we all are feeling the weight of sluggish progress right now.

Its true that i am not a country. I guess. But I am a contributor to a society. And if the middle east has taught me anything in the last month its that i should give a shit about that.

Which is why i am going to find out what the hell sickness i have had for 7 years and get it cured. Because progress is hard to reach if you can’t get up in the morning. and i’ve got a lot of shit to do. I might not need to over throw a dictator, but i’d like to inspire.

ANd thats not gunna happen if im distracted with pain 24/7. Not because anything can stop me from trying, but because at the end of the day running at 20% can not produce the results of running at a 100%

and im not saying im just saying. maybe health care shouldn’t be a luxury if we want to get out of this economic crisis. Do we really need the strain of even 10% of our country working at 20%?


interview numero one

April 5, 2011

My lips are sealed.

March 31, 2011

After thinking over the whole ‘what types of women there are’ question i’ve come to a conclusion – i can’t really say. At least not by myself. I know i’m not the only lady with opinions on what a woman is, and if i want to get away from generalizations i’ve got to use multiple lady brains. So I’m going to video different women i know and ask them what type of woman they think they are…and some other things. The videos will be pared with portraits. I’m excited. I’ve got a project.

Bi the Way

March 28, 2011

Watch the documentary Bi the Way. Its awesome.

Excerpt from: Happy Mother’s Day Ms. O’Doherty
In the kitchen.
TERESA: The thing is, if i choose you…

LISA: First off i hope you’re not choosing me. Whatever that you have feelings or whatever with me and him or for me and him. But if you are with me, if you tell me you want to be with me – it better be because you love me. Not because you choose to have pussy for dinner instead of cock.

TERESA: That was a bit much.

LISA: Sorry.

TERESA: If i want to be with you over him… Does that mean i like girls more than boys?

LISA: Jesus.

TERESA: what?!

LISA: one i don’t fucking know what you like. and two it doesn’t matter.

TERESA: it matters to me.

LISA: Why?

TERESA: Its kinda a big thing. i mean am i a les….

LISA: What do you know about yourself?

TERESA: That i think i like both…

LISA: No, what do you know without a shadow of a doubt about yourself? Something that you know will never change even a little.

TERESA: …nothing i guess.

LISA: Like any other normal person! So why do you need to know if you’re a lesbian or not?

TERESA: You think im a lesbian.

LISA: I think that you are an amazing and surprising person.

TERESA: Lesbian.

LISA: I don’t know what the fuck you are, besides a bitch. Look at 20 years old neither of us really know anything for sure about ourselves, and i’m pretty sure thats how its suppose to be. Hell, i would bet that you’re going to surprise me whatever you turn out to be before i’d bet you were a lesbian or straight.

Teresa rolls her eyes.

Don’t roll your eyes at me.
Do you want to know why i love you?

Do you?


LISA: Because you’re brave by accident. You’re brave enough not to give a shit about things that don’t matter while still caring about what does. And that’s fucking sexy, but you don’t do it to be sexy. You do it because you can’t help it. That’s why i love you- you can’t help but be you.

TERESA: I want to be with you.

LISA: O.K. Well… good.

TERESA: I love you.

LISA: …yeah… well

TERESA: Do you want to know why?

Kiss me, please.

Teresa kisses Lisa.

Who are we?

March 24, 2011

If you’re a lady, dudes you’ll be next, someone has asked what kind of girl you are. Though this question more traditionally is about whether you can meet the inquisitor’s mom , the question at its heart is a little more complicated.

Today, or maybe over the next couple of days, I’ll be sifting women into types based off of these qualifiers.

how she deals with the act of sex and her personal sexuality.
how she deals with men.
how she deals with other women.
how she deals with providing for herself.
how she presents herself.
How she believes the world ‘works.’
What she considers her strength.
what she considers her weakness.
and lastly what about each woman is sexy.

This is a little rushed because i have to go to work, but if you know me text or facebook me today and tell me how you either feel about these qualifiers and yourself, or how you believe a certain type of woman does.

What Do You Want?

March 21, 2011

What is wanting? What is, is? What is wa? What is, ? Kidding. Kind of. Heres the issue: Wanting anything turns into a fucking identity crisis for me. Why? Maybe its cuz i get confused while i wait, maybe it’s a fear of success, maybe I don’t like my tendency to get obsessive, maybe it’s because i’m a normal fucking human being. Who knows, the bottom line is – I want my identity free of crisis more than i want anything else…usually.
However, i have recently found myself wanting things so fully that i can’t give them up for mental stability. It’s like my wants have tied me to a chair and said – shut up and desire. While kinky, its confusing. What is a person suppose to do when they can’t be active about their wants? Normally i’d say ‘toss it, no point in wanting something you can’t do anything with,’ but i’m starting to think there is. Wanting something nice, is nice. All by its self.
So then, perhaps the better question would be what is the point of wanting? Is it to attain? What if you don’t attain it? Is your wanting automatically made pathetic by the failure? Or for you nicer folk: lovely spelled p.i.t.i.f.u.l.? Can you enjoy marinating in your wants…forever? Or is that delusional?
You can say yes to that by the way, to it being delusional. Romantic as the delusion may be, you don’t want to approve stalkers do you? Lets be honest, this marinating desire thing could also be thought of as stalker-ish. Seriously. Arn’t stalkers the prime example of loving desire in and of its self? What else could drive a person, but a love for desire, to obsessively watch a person from a prickly bush but then, you know, kill them and wear their face… or whatever? Schizophrenia you may say, Sure. But a schizophrenic with a taste for desire’s intrinsic value… and i guess face wearing… maybe the face wearing negates the whole desiring for desiring sake… i mean they did get a new face out of it.
Right. That was a bit much.
Lets get away from the violently psychopathic, shall we? On to Duckie from Pretty in Pink. He had a healthy appetite for desiring Molly Ringwald’s character. She told him multiple times that there was no hope in them being together, and he knew deep down his advances were futile, but he kept loving her. Why? Loving her did something for him. Is it weak or needy to feel a warmth in wanting regardless of rejection? Or is it couragouse to not be in denial about what you desire – to allow wanting to fill you with the beauty of something you find beautiful.Does wanting, like love, exist without the need to have a point because it’s a feeling? After all, feelings don’t give a fuck about points. Theiy’re all irrational like that. Those fuckers.
But honestly regardless of how romantic feelings are and their complete disregard for their owner’s life – what’s self respects role in wanting? Even if you say wanting doesn’t inherently need to have a point, and wanting for wanting’s sake isn’t being a stalker unless you…wear other people’s faces… at what point do you owe yourself the giving up of your wants.
Once it hurts too bad? When the fuck is that? If i don’t get into grad school this round then try again, and don’t get in, do i try again? How many times do i try? If i love someone and they don’t love me back how long do i let myself love them, years? Is it perfectly lovely and perhaps even fulfilling to love someone for the rest of your life alone? Or is that only for Europeans.
I have a sneaky feeling im trying to figure out something without a rule, its one of those damn zen things I’m starting to think.

Maybe it is just as ridiculous for me to ask what is the point of wanting as it is to ask what is, is. Because they both just are. Theres too many of those.

Mary’s Poem.

March 16, 2011

I never knew my womb
could muster up a swoon
till the man i left for dead
held a baby’s head.

and now at night i sigh
because i am still alive
while the man i had who fathered
can not even bother.

I love him, so i said
but then when he felt dead
i had to leave instead

Now when i saw his heart
i almost fell apart
and truthfully i did
when someone had his kid.

but now i think i might
put away that plight
to see if love again
is not a foe, but a friend.

A news cast to Mary from the over throwers.

March 16, 2011

The time for war in this country is over. Those who fear a civil war on the horizon, fear not. For we are coming upon not a war, but a better peace than any of us have ever known; even in our own hearts. An unwavering peace. A peace that protects this country’s people from the arrogant idealism of selfish leaders. Those of you who voted Rolland into office may be feeling betrayed, but the only betrayal that as been committed to you has been by Rolland’s inability to keep you safe. The Party has not broken its vow to protect democracy today, but instead has made a new vow to it’s people. The Party vows to protect it’s people’s right to choose what’s right above all else. There is no reason for fear. This is a time for peaceful minds, for today we give up war-ing even with ourselves.