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What Do You Want?

March 21, 2011

What is wanting? What is, is? What is wa? What is, ? Kidding. Kind of. Heres the issue: Wanting anything turns into a fucking identity crisis for me. Why? Maybe its cuz i get confused while i wait, maybe it’s a fear of success, maybe I don’t like my tendency to get obsessive, maybe it’s because i’m a normal fucking human being. Who knows, the bottom line is – I want my identity free of crisis more than i want anything else…usually.
However, i have recently found myself wanting things so fully that i can’t give them up for mental stability. It’s like my wants have tied me to a chair and said – shut up and desire. While kinky, its confusing. What is a person suppose to do when they can’t be active about their wants? Normally i’d say ‘toss it, no point in wanting something you can’t do anything with,’ but i’m starting to think there is. Wanting something nice, is nice. All by its self.
So then, perhaps the better question would be what is the point of wanting? Is it to attain? What if you don’t attain it? Is your wanting automatically made pathetic by the failure? Or for you nicer folk: lovely spelled p.i.t.i.f.u.l.? Can you enjoy marinating in your wants…forever? Or is that delusional?
You can say yes to that by the way, to it being delusional. Romantic as the delusion may be, you don’t want to approve stalkers do you? Lets be honest, this marinating desire thing could also be thought of as stalker-ish. Seriously. Arn’t stalkers the prime example of loving desire in and of its self? What else could drive a person, but a love for desire, to obsessively watch a person from a prickly bush but then, you know, kill them and wear their face… or whatever? Schizophrenia you may say, Sure. But a schizophrenic with a taste for desire’s intrinsic value… and i guess face wearing… maybe the face wearing negates the whole desiring for desiring sake… i mean they did get a new face out of it.
Right. That was a bit much.
Lets get away from the violently psychopathic, shall we? On to Duckie from Pretty in Pink. He had a healthy appetite for desiring Molly Ringwald’s character. She told him multiple times that there was no hope in them being together, and he knew deep down his advances were futile, but he kept loving her. Why? Loving her did something for him. Is it weak or needy to feel a warmth in wanting regardless of rejection? Or is it couragouse to not be in denial about what you desire – to allow wanting to fill you with the beauty of something you find beautiful.Does wanting, like love, exist without the need to have a point because it’s a feeling? After all, feelings don’t give a fuck about points. Theiy’re all irrational like that. Those fuckers.
But honestly regardless of how romantic feelings are and their complete disregard for their owner’s life – what’s self respects role in wanting? Even if you say wanting doesn’t inherently need to have a point, and wanting for wanting’s sake isn’t being a stalker unless you…wear other people’s faces… at what point do you owe yourself the giving up of your wants.
Once it hurts too bad? When the fuck is that? If i don’t get into grad school this round then try again, and don’t get in, do i try again? How many times do i try? If i love someone and they don’t love me back how long do i let myself love them, years? Is it perfectly lovely and perhaps even fulfilling to love someone for the rest of your life alone? Or is that only for Europeans.
I have a sneaky feeling im trying to figure out something without a rule, its one of those damn zen things I’m starting to think.

Maybe it is just as ridiculous for me to ask what is the point of wanting as it is to ask what is, is. Because they both just are. Theres too many of those.

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